Cleaning sucks. Communal cleaning with a cheery tune in the background makes the time fly. Think about sailors singing weird, rape-y drinking songs on the decks of pirate ships. Think about Mary Poppins using her unexplained magical powers to clean the nursery. This is Spoon Full of Sugar shit. Having a tune in the background makes the process go faster. Below is a list designed to get you through the deepest cleaning of an apartment (45-60 minutes).
1. Cake- I Will Survive.
There’s something to be said for an Oldie revamped as a New(ish)ie. Not only is a classic the best way to start off any grueling activity (there’s a reason Richard Simmons always exercised to this song), but the title says it all. You will get through this.
2. Amy Winehouse- Valerie
This is a great tune to get the fluids pumping. It’s practically a sea shanty for a different generation. The upbeat tune brings a can-do attitude and makes the dish-washing/ silver polishing go that much faster. Also, it’s Amy Fucking Winehouse.
3. No More Mr. Nice Guy- Alice Cooper
By this point, you’re DONE fucking around. You’re ready to show this cleaning that you are FUCK FREE. What better way to get that point across (and feel a little empowered) than by belting out some Alice Cooper? No More Mr. Nice Guy, crumbs between the sofa cushions.
4. Fast Car- Tracy Chapman
Slow it down. Focus on what you’re doing. Come to terms that there’s never going to be a fast car. Cry softly to yourself while making sure DVDs are in the right cases and realize that you may be doing this for the rest of your life, but that’s okay.
5. Love is a Battlefield- Pat Benetar
Around this point, you need a pick me up (and something you know the words to) while you scrub crusty spots on the stove. If this song doesn’t fill your veins with a combination of reenergizing spirit, Surge, and bald eagle tears, the terrorists have won.
6. Sing- My Chemical Romance
Followed up by a power ballad because there will always be bitches (and they never use coasters or bring dishes back from their rooms).
7. Never Going Back Again- Fleetwood Mac
Sweeping and mopping calls for something bouncy that will remind you of your limits as a person and as the roommate who is NOT the one leaving his/her hair in the drain.
8. Kids’- MGMT
9. Outkast- Hey Ya
These two work (despite having different sounds) and will give you a new-found confidence that you are nearing the end of your labors. It’s like Hercules cleaning the Augean stables cleaning out this fridge. Wait. We went to this restaurant this spaghetti is from the day after Halloween. It’s March.
10. Carousel- Iron and Wine
Wait, we’re no where near done.
11. Babe, I’m Gonna Leave You- Led Zeppelin
Tell the world my story.
12. Haiti- Arcade Fire
This song sounds like cool water (just don’t listen to the words, even though they’re excellent). You are almost done with this shit.
13. Dog Days are Over- Florence and the Machine
Holy shit. We’re finished. Let’s make dinner using those pans you just wasted and put away.